American Infidels

Family Research Council ‘Eye to Eye’ with Al Qaeda: “Americans Infidel.”

A hitherto unknown pioneering dotcom is at the center of a religious and political storm.

Groundbreaking software, designed to extract news from ‘”background noise on the Web”, created more publicity than intended at a press conference launch.

Naive techie CEO of, Serge Geugl, initiated mass journalistic cell-fumbling with the first “public story” from his beta-but-au courant coding miracle.

Legendary lack of prescience foremost, Geugl proudly displayed the first Noise2News™ header to stunned reporters: “Family Research Council Supports Al Qaeda. Americans are Infidel”

Err, it still needs some fine-tuning but the basic facts of the story are correct. N2N has extracted the core truth of the matter from billions of cached web pages.

Infidel, infidelity … semantics. What the heck. Ask any dork on the street the difference!” added a bemused Geugl to an evaporating press corps.

FRC President Tiny Pecans was inversely bemused – yet deeply encouraged – by the arrival of carloads of clamoring cubs, contributors, communicators, columnists and correspondents.

I haven’t seen the report to which you are referring, but I can confidently say that I would warmly support anyone – even this foreign chap, Allan Kida, did you say? – who is prepared to stand up for their beliefs and tell Americans that infidelity is wrong.

I feel strong affinity with anyone having the moral strength to tell our nation’s people to uphold the institutions of marriage and the family”

Only mildly disconcerted by the silent sea of open mouths – he had rarely seen so many journalists, certainly not this many so quiet, motionless and attentive and (definitely never!) hanging off every word .. like … this … Dismissing doubts, Pecans savored the moment.

At this point, your reporter sneezed. Raising my gaze from a handful of tissues (having no tissue) I registered Mr. Pekans statue-like, finger raised, jaw suspended open, word half-formed, glancing sideways at this SheepOverboard reporter through the dust – the only remaining journalist in sight – the media circus having stampeded to the White House.

Caught off guard at a Press Briefing on “Iraqi Progress” and mid stand-off with a journo –  “oxymoron, where?” – Donny Rumsfella grasped the nettle with an ideologues élan:

Technology is a good thing. Good things come from good technology. The little nerd Geugl is American, the technology is American. Noise is an unknown. This is pushing back unknowns, both known unknowns ..”

He broke off, unable to make eye contact with anyone in the room.

President Bush, also a little distracted nursing bleeding fingernails from “a misunderstanding leaving the Presidential Chopper,” offered the Press Scavenger Corps stationed at the White House his thoughts – the not inconsiderable effort diverting focus from his aching fingers:

I know I’ve said some bad things about Arabs lately. They might be heathen rag heads but if they support the family values of our crusading nation then I surely welcome their pronoun cements.”

That night Al Qaeda claimed responsibility for whatever stupid journalist on about, Tiny Pecans spent a sleepless night pleased about the attention – but uneasy about what he wasn’t sure, got 50 million hits – and a record number of Americans cheated on their partners.

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