A Mere Stoush

Australians might all have an opinion on a stoush between the government’s two most senior ministers – to wit, a prime minister and his deputy.

But perplexed aliens – ye foreigners sufficiently interested to acquire perplexity; perhaps a Chinese or Indian family considering joining relatives here in business – might wonder if this is a serious sign of political instability in this wide brown-stained land.

Fear not, dear immigrant, or tourist, to be. Australia is quite stable. Stable barely covers it. Stagnant, inert perhaps. Nothing has changed.

The brouhaha is merely about what it’s always been about. Our politicians, especially on the conservative benches, act more like wealthy business folk than public servants. Because they are wealthy business folk and “public service” is their preferred method of doing business. 

In case you were wondering, Throsby “has it on good authority” that a certain parliamentary corgi says government ministers other than Beetrooter (our famously intermittent deputy prime minister) are having sexual relations with a person on their staff. Departmental secretaries take great pains to avoid accidentally double-booking that person’s diary.

Final word. The Barnyard Joker (he has many handles, our deputy PM) defiantly said “I’m not going anywhere!” to suggestions he might be replaced. Although it might have been a reference to his career.

Immigrant Irony

Our previous and most beloved prime minister, Shit Happens Tony, who won’t stop pronouncing on matters (and to whom the dog-with-a-bone press won’t stop “giving oxygen”) did industrial-strength irony this week. He, an immigrant, said immigration should be reduced because the infrastructure (roads, rail, health, schools, welfare) that his government is starving for funds to provide an estimated $65 billion dollars of tax cuts for businesses… is “choking.”

Our most admired politician, Benito Dutton, Minister for Rodent Control, disagreed with the Mad Monk when he realised his empire was built upon people passing through his elaborately constructed Austasi-patrolled gates that guard this Pearl of the Pacific.

The Potato Pledge

Potato Brother, as the Chinese affectionately call Benito, thinks immigrants should arrive younger, more skilled, and better looking, so they can contribute taxes over the longest working lifetime – and, perchance, still look attractive in old age.

Throsby whole-heartedly endorsed Mr Dutton’s National Press Club mash-up where he plumb convinced our 4th estate that school children ought make a loyalty pledge to Australia “in a broader, rejuvenated civics effort.” Flag makers and picture frame craftsmen began hiring young highly skilled immigrants on the good news.

Shorten Sweet on Adani

Electricity Bill announced, if elected, Labor would keep the prime minister’s ban on sex between ministers and staff, but would, as his government was sworn in, change the wording from “ministers” to “shadow ministers.”

Bill also cemented the Greens vote for the seat of Batman in an approaching by-election – ensuring Ged Kearney would indeed be out of a job – by saying “there’s a role for coal, and Adani is just another project”

Moobs was supported in this bold adventure by CFMEU’s Maher, who revealed a belief there will be many more coal mines in Australia. If so, Tony, one hopes they will not also be “world’s largest coal mines” that suck water from the Artesian Basin, ship their product through the Great Barrier Reef, are constructed using FIFO workers from China, then employ labourless robotic processes instead of, you know, Australian workers.

Twenty five percent of former Labor voters mentally reaffirmed their likelihood to vote Greens at the next federal election, and Labor had better hope those electors get their second preferences correct.

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